Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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