If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
