i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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