new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
