I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
