saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
if only i could text you this smell
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
