last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
