Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
