I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
