Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
