Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
