meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
