You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
