I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
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