Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
