my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
