It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
