1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
