did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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