I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
