I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
