I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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