So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
