Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
