i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
