I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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