Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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