Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize