Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
