Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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