I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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