Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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