sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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