The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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