The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
