Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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