Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
