you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
