she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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