you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
