Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
