I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
