I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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