I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
