your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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