apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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