i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
