Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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