Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
