do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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